1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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