this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
