you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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