I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
