he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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