she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
