she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
