i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
