i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
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so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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