So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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