And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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