Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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