Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
