The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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