just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
