awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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