He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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