Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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