if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
