I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
