Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
