i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
