i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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