Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
