There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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