She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
