I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
