He disabled his match.com account in front of me
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
