does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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