i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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