On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
