I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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