Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
