What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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