I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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