I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
