Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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