A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
