Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
