I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
