new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
