Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
