I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
BRING THE BAGELS
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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