I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
