it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize