and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
