dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
