were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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