I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
