Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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