You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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