this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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