i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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